Flutter Strong

The relationship you have with your dream is not personal. No one is truly out to help or hurt you. You must be the sole creator of its reflection in reality. We launched the fashion film. I opened a small bottle of prosecco and danced around my room. Mainly to remember that today marks the anniversary of when I first arrived in Bali to build a dream. So many emotional scars and happy memories.

These days I have been sanding away the emotional hold back. The little voice on my shoulder saying, just give it up. You didn’t figure it out the first-time round, why would it work now? Pursuing a dream is not a throw once make the basket sort of drill. It is a lifetime of evolutions moving towards a heart laced with love. Doing that thing that makes you come alive.

Then you must grow. Growing is uncomfortable. My growth shoots have always come from pain. I am a stubborn horse. I am ok to sit in suffering for years. Living in a bland sort of universe. I get in a mix of tar and quicksand that I believe is my choice. Then a day comes and I look at all the mosquito bites that I have ignored. Then I must move from the sheer pain of progress.

That is where I stand now, washing away the unhealthy choices I had accepted. Staying in a job, I thought was beauty. In a position that was only partially good. Despite not being the one who chose to walk away, I know it was time to move on. Life was just kind enough to break up with me, so I could love something better. It is scary because all that you know must change. 

On a regular basis I have to find ways to keep my mind grounded. To pull back ideas into reality. For the sheer chaos of choice can be its own sort of prison. So, I pull off the covers, I burst out of bed and charge towards my better self. I wash face and brush my teeth and I do the many things I know that will bring forth the right sort of person in me. My spirit shakes off the hurt and I let my mind heal.


  • Stop running your mind in hurtful circles of doubt. Replace those thoughts with feelings of progress. Recently I have been celebrating the joy I am feeling as I am getting to pay-off my car and really get on top of my personal finances. Find your one pain point. The place where you get caught. Then shine a light into that space and nourish it for the good. I have been watching finance management videos and creating spreadsheets that I update every day.


  • Happy mental crunches. I look to my vision boards and I emotionally run through the images, remembering that this is fun. That I am alive completely indulging in those realities that I have today. Sometimes missing these treasures because I am living in my fears or a future that does not exist yet. I just realized that all my vision boards, reflect a life that I live or have lived. I usually create boards of what I don’t have or want to create. Can you fall in love with the life you have lived and are living? Ruminate on joy, let it bubble up inside of you until your spirit is lifted. 


  • Free your creative mind to explore! I know I am fascinated with filmmaking and storytelling, but I am not exactly sure how that all works with fashion? How does that align with the future of my work? I made an agenda last week and had a call about a fashion factory, but something does not feel right about the general structure. After launching the Beloved Baltimore short film, I went back to the drawing board. I started with my two words: (1) Movie & (2) Fashion. Then I brainstormed concepts that I have been kicking around. Do not be afraid that what you are building does not make sense. You are still learning and figuring it out. That is innovation and idea development. This is how you can move away from the crowd to become truly you. 


  • Get help! My younger sister is very strong in social media strategy. When we were in Bali, she was the one pushing for many of the big digital moves we started. I just dropped the ball on the execution at times. I scheduled a consultation and paid her a modest sum. I know we must grow our work online, but in our own unique way. Not following the influencer wave, I want to do something a little different. Yet I must follow the learning process and this time I will do my homework and follow through with her suggestions. 


  • Follow through! Stop measuring your success at the start. You will not get anywhere if you only talk to one client, launch one film, or never do the very things that will make a difference. Then do it over and over. Keep creating more lists and crossing them off. Do not wait too long or you will doubt, while someone else is beating you to the launch line. Keep going, move onto the next steps. Plan and curate those realities that you wish to align. 


  • If it feels wrong, then figure out how it can be right. As a novice dream chaser, I would jump on any and every opportunity that smelled like a project match. I learned a great deal, but now I am much more calculated before saying, I do. I play out the story of proposed project, application, and alternative reality. Then I am able to make a choice that does not take me off the path I am trekking toward the summit. It is ok to say NO, rather than juggle something that was never right at the start. 


  • A winning formula is not always creating something entirely new, sometimes it also looking at what worked.Then determining what needs tweaking, merging, and a big push. No need to complicate something you are clear on, this usually comes with those that had run after a dream and missed an important part that caused a mudslide. At that point after dropping so many feet from the last climb point, it is painful to consider having to scale back up. It is your choice? Turn back or let the mud dry as you climb. 

Note: A dream is not a fairyland of easy going heroes, on the contrary it is an insane amount of commitment and diligence. It is a passion that ignites curves that burn. To venture onward despite all the vises knowing that there is no other way to give. No one will do this for you. You must decide are you in or are you out?



One of the last scenes in the film has me looking out a window. I am actually looking in on my childhood backyard at my youth and memories I attempted to hide.

Celebrating the twists and turns of building this dream and returning to its embrace with choice.

Raw stage of idea generation between my two worlds.

Screen Shot 2020-04-05 at 8.21.50 AM

Some scenes never make it to the final film, but they are just as important. I sometimes wonder if my Bali Fashion Dream was only a training ground for me to return home. I could not see my own beauty because I was looking off to the next mountain top of self.


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