Since I was a child I ran so fast and so hard, through high school I came in and out of mini depressions. As an adult the intensity has been so great that it destroyed the finishing lines of many of my best intentions. Having spent the past 3 years examining myself and testing methods of creation, I see that much of the triggers are out of my control. Childhood memories and a broken heart, in many cases I make up false realities. I smear a perfect image. I see impressions like mirages and I lay in bed with this never ending sadness.
I know what you are thinking, I am smiling all the time and life is grand. It truly is and I can talk myself into seeing the beauty of it all. I have to do this every morning. To bring myself back into happiness. The nights can be killer. Especially during this time of year, I go a bit nutty. I have been tracking it like clockwork. It is around October that the build up begins and my energies need channeling. By December all is lost and I cannot see what is in front of me. The only thing that really works to clear the anxiety is intense exercise and creativity. Working with my hands.
The challenge is that when I get in the these low places, I don’t want to do anything. I just want to hide under the covers and forget everything. Writing this I can see how totally silly I am. I know it when I am thinking such thoughts, but I just have to drag myself out of these dark spaces. I stand in the mirror and tell myself to move on. These waves of sadness and despair pass. Anxiety I see is not always due to anything directly, sometimes it is just the passing and clearing of emotions. If I allow these riptides to drag me under then everything I believe in will fall to ash. I love what I am doing so much. I just need to learn how to weather these moments, breath and remember all that is wonderful.
Note: My sisters have always worried about me, usually the ones to get me back to myself. Though I have learned that no one can carry our sanity that is our responsibility. Everyone has their own obstacles. We must be patient and love ourselves. When we want to drown that is the time to swim. I am also so thankful for my anxiety. It always keeps me innovative and finding alternative solutions to dealing and making the best of my gifts.
Anxiety Awareness: If you are a part of this special club and feel very low, find someone to talk to: a friend, family member and/or experienced professional. Talking about your worries does not mean your are weak or that anything is wrong with you. It is simple the blessing of sharing life together – the good and the difficult. You are made just as you are meant to be. Love all that is you!