While walking through the parking lot after the church service, my mother asked with her asian accent ‘Stacy what wrong wit you, you not yoself. Someting is different, what you sad about’. I was still in a zombie like state after only two hours of sleep. I was up working late combing through the archives of my grandfather’s work for references to my book. I just responded to say that I was tired, but she knew better as mother’s do.
I have received a few emails of concern from my recent posts with kind words of encouragement. When I went walking the city streets after a night out my little sister was really worried. I stood alone in a nearby high school parking lot looking up in the cold night air screaming like a crazy person ‘I have committed over and over to this dream, despite hardship, letdown and uncertainty’. Tears streamed down my flushed face as I frantically pulled off branches from a nearby tree.
I knelt to the ground and buried them into the earth like rootless trees. I arrogantly commanded God to search my heart ‘I dare you because in that space all you will find is unconditional love. I have no intention to further my own personal agenda alone because you have taught me that all that means nothing if I am not of service to others‘. I reasoned with him ‘look I have been patient but now you need to step in and work your magic because I have proven myself worthy in all humbleness to take on this mission‘. Its not about the fashion and material things that is just the icing, but what I want to do is to help underprivileged girls and women to have their chance at the pursuit of a dream.
Am I sad? Maybe. Does it bother me? Sometimes. Will I be happy? Of course. Am I worried? Secretly No. So my darling readers and family members I know it is hard to watch at what appears as a self destruction but this is all apart of the process. Know that in the depths of my heart I am fine and I feel the light of happiness that will return but for now, I need this fire to move mountains. I wouldn’t ask it away for the world. Thanks for loving me and cringing silently as I squirm to break-free from this cocoon, I will be flying in no time. But you cannot prevent my heart from aching this is life, I may look small and fragile but I am strong in will and mind and this will carry me through to the other side.